Vampires: Blood Thirsty Menace to Sparkling Metrosexuals.

From Menacing blood thirsty creatures to sparkling, peace loving neighbors, the lost glories of Vampires can be attributed to one person and one person only: Stephenie Meyer.

Blood red cape, deadly fangs and blood shot eyes, this are the first images of vampires that comes to mind when we think of Count Dracula, inspired from Bram Stoker’s novels. They were menacing mythical creatures, vampires mercilessly preyed on humans. They were averse to daylight and allergic to garlic. Though immortal, they could be killed with wooden crosses and silver bullets. At least these were the ground rules, until they were mercilessly broken.

Cut to 580 years later, our average vampire is goofy eyed white washed creatures, preying on puppies. So, what happened to the former gory glories of the fanged creatures?? Stephenie Meyer and Twilight happened!!! “Why do people hate Twilight?” , asked one Twi-hard to me! Where shall I start??? Apart from the fact, it is one of the lamest story lines you will ever come across, Miss. Meyer messed up the vampire bit to humongous proportions and brought them down to Justin Beiber levels. Now when you hear the word ‘Vampire’, the image that flashes across is a sparkling Edward with a irritating Bella at his feet.

In a last ditch attempt to make SOMEthing about her book seem original (The love triangle with a whiny protagonist part, has been done to death; Just ask Ekta Kapoor, Karan Johar, Yash Chopra etc), Miss Meyer took every part of being a vampire and shot them too pieces. Now, instead burning in the sun, the vampire sparkles (arghhhhhhh……), wooden stakes and silver doesn’t affect them (you need to keep the hero alive to keep on writing more shitty stuff) and instead of humans, the vampires prey on animals (this is the bollywood affect, you need to protect the integrity of the lead). On that note, I am still waiting for PETA to send a notice to Meyer for animal cruelty. It might stop her from writing more!

May be, I am being too harsh on Meyer, it’s not entirely her fault. Thanks Summit Entertainment, the Twilight didn’t die a natural death and were adapted for the big screen, so we had no way of avoiding them. It created a whole bunch of fans whose biggest dilemma in their life was choosing between ‘Team Edward’ and ‘Team Jacob’. For us, Robert Pattinson died a valiant death as Cedric Diggory in Harry Potter. I am not the only one complaining about the Saga, Stephen King remarked, “Harry Potter is about confronting fears, finding inner strength and doing what is right in the face of adversity. Twilight is about how important it is to have a boyfriend. Stephenie can’t write worth a darn, she’s not very good”.  

The only silver lining in an abnormally large cloud is that the series is coming to an end this November, with the last shitty movie made on it getting released and we can all go happily back, pretending, it never existed. We can forgive Meyer on one condition; She has to promise us that she is not writing a book on wizards. A wizard with a sparkling wand is not something, we are ready to comprehend.



Disclaimer #1: The following few lines are in no way sarcastic, insulting or funny….In Guzaarish Hrithik Roshan aks for mercy killing as he has been paralysed for quite a while. Kudos to Hrithik for accepting such a challenging role and huge respect to people who suffers from this condition but still has the courage to move on with life.

Disclaimer #2: The rest of the article is sarcastic, funny and insulting in every way possible….
Does Hrithik REALLY LOOK like somebody who wants to die? I mean, even as a paraplegic he looks better than 10 Zayed Khans……not a comparison…..Okay, 10 Emraan Hashmis put together. Even though he didn’t work out for 12 effing years, he still had muscles bigger then KRK’s head (KRK’s head is huge coz of all the gas in it). Plus, all throughout the the movie, he had Ash’s cleavage for company. Not a bad company to have during times of distress.

But lets get real guys. The man who needed to be cast in this role should be somebody who REALLY LOOK like, he wants to die. I’ll make it easy, for future references on movies on death(for any reason). Here are some ‘actors’ who would fit in for such roles.

1. Mimoh
Mimoh probably would have applied for mercy killing the day he realized that his parents were not making some sort of noise but ‘MIMOH’ was actually his name. His application gained more ground when he realized that the yellow thing on his head was not some electrical wiring but was ACTUALLY his HAIR. The final nail in the coffin (see…how I smartly inserted another death related joke? See? See?) was when he realized all through out his debut film, ‘Jimmy’, the audience was laughing not because of his comic timing but coz of his face? On screen, we mean……or do we?

2. Fardeen Khan
Fardeen Khan’s biggest reason for not wanting to live is the fact, that instead of his wife, its he who got accidentally pregnant. And in some way the pregnancy did something to his face. On top of that he couldn’t even act, before the weight of the world dropped on his….well face. It is quite obvious that he will be super happy to do the role but we won’t be able to see the satisfaction that he will get coz of the….you know…..face situation.

3. Tusshar Kapoor
Tusshar Kapoor holds the unique distinction of being the winner of Biggest Loser Jeetega, even though he didn’t participate in it. His claim-to-fame is acting in roles where he was invisible (Tusshar Kapoor in and as GAYAB! Hahhaha!), was required to keep his mouth shut (He was such a big hit with his mouth shut in Golmaal that they made sure he didn’t speak in two more movies), or was required to complete the background furniture (in all other movies). The audience would love to see him in a role where apart from his mouth, even the rest of him can’t move about to cause further embarrassment to human civilization.

4. Ashmit Patel
Ever since everyone saw (we know what you did that summer!), in the iconic words of Dolly Bindra, Ashmit Patel’s ‘performance’ in his XXX-MMS, Ashmit Patel’s life “went for a toss”. “One after the other, life shot him with a dart, and like a broken arrow, he fell apart.”

No, that’s not OUR lame joke on you. That’s Patel’s lame joke on the world. If you STILL don’t know what we are talking about, search for Patel’s musical rap(e) attempt, ‘Apni kahani apni zubaani’ on the internet. After seeing the video, you’ll understand why Patel would want to kill himself, and honestly, we’d not hold it against you, if you’d want to kill yourself too.

5. Archana Puran Singh
Oh wait… we totally forgot that the paralysis ends at the neck… you can’t paralyse that laughter. And oh wait… We were supposed to be talking about men here. (Deliberate pause to imply what needs to be implied) …Oh wait.

Why Only Sheila’s Jawani??

EVERYONE and their grandmothers have heard ‘Sheila Ki Jawani’ by now. In my opinion the grandmothers might have heard it more carefully coz they are the only ones who have that name these days (Sheila Dixit…hmmm….hmmm…..). Which poses a question, why is ‘Sheila Ki Jawani’ shot on Katrina Kaif? What kind of name is ‘Sheila’, ‘Sheila Ki Jawani’ or what kind of surname is ‘Ki Jawani’? (Sindhi friends……….don’t mind) How could anyone have a surname like that.

Interval in the post for joke on Katrina Kaif: Katrina Kaif in Sheila Ki Jawani is like a mannequin dancing. She has the perfect mannequin body…….but she has also has the perfect mannequin face!! When you hear the song and see Katrina’s bod, you go, ‘WOAH Jawani (Yes, YOU go………..I’ve heard you). But then you see Katrina’s face and say, ‘THIS is SHEILA’. I think Katrina is too pretty to carry her own body. Yes, I say intelligent things like that sometimes.

Interval over, back to article: So keeping all the limitations in mind here are the grandmothers whose Jawanis need to be personified…….

1. Baa ki jawani: Remember Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Baa-hua karti thi? Remember Baa? The superwoman, whose age at the end of 10 generation leaps, would have been some 250 years, but who STILL didn’t have grey hair? That’s the kind of jawani we’re talking about! And can’t you totally imagine Baa shaking it at one of the various family functions/Diwali special/New Year special/extra marital affair special/funeral special/generation leap special?

2. Shobhaa ki jawani: She may be as old as independent India, but Shobhaa De keeps her spirit (and mind) totally young. That’s a cryptic sentence to say that she has written about many dirty things (that make aunties her age go ‘hawww’). Three cheers (and three x’s) for Shobhaa ki jawani of mind!

3. Pratibha ki jawani: Pratibha Patil may look 200 years old, yes, but that doesn’t mean she can’t be a badass! Apart from being the first woman President of India, she also holds the record for being the oldest woman. No wait, that doesn’t sound right. … Oh yeah, she holds the record for being the oldest woman… TO fly in a combat jet at a speed close to supersonic speed. Can YOUR grandma do that? CAN SHE?

4. Rekha ki jawani: Call it botox, or call it yoga. Okay let’s call it yoga… to avoid lawsuits. No one may know the REAL secret of Rekha ki jawani (it’s yoga), but whatever it is (it’s yoga), it sure has helped Rekha maintain her skin, face, skin, body, skin, and everything else on her face, body and skin (it’s yoga). It’s got to be yoga, right? (It’s yoga)

What do you guys think? Katrina’s jawani? Or Baa’s? Or are there any other grandmas that you dream of that we’ve forgotten? (That’s very disturbing on your part, by the way)

What Women Want.NOT

I am shocked by the number of times I’ve heard women listing ‘sense of humor’ as the topmost quality they want in the man of their dreams, over qualities that seems obvious-beautiful face, not Chetan Bhagat, and etc etc. I am ‘shocked’ because from first hand experience, I can assure you, they are lying.

I realized very early, that ‘love at first sight’ can only happen if you look like Hrithik Roshan (this doesn’t apply to HARMAN BAWEJA), or if you are standing really, really far way from the girl and if, well, the girl likes to fall in love with people who are really far away. Unfortunately I don’t look like Hrithik Roshan and I am very recognizable from really really far away, so I realized ‘Love at first sight’ is not the thing for me. So I decided to entice women with my superhuman stock of ‘Knock Knock’ jokes.

But that was in vain too. I spent an entire childhood trying to make girls laugh at my jokes but failed miserably… because, let’s face it, the joke kind-of dies at ‘Knock Knock?’ ‘Get lost, loser!’. But I didn’t give up. I had to try and get girls to relate ‘funny’ with my personality, and not just my looks. So I’d prepare jokes at home, memorize them in my superhero brain, and then, during an ongoing conversation with a hot girl, try and intelligently, shrewdly and carefully take the conversation in the direction of the topic I had a joke prepared on. Something like this:

Me: Hey, hot girl.

Hot girl: *Puke*

Me: Oh, speaking of which, did you hear this joke about racism, religion, chauvinism, ugly people and anything else that would be sure to offend you in general?

Hot girl: *Complains to teacher*

What Women Want. NOT.
It took me more failures than Uday Chopra to understand that being called funny by a girl, is NO.4 on the list of things girls calls guys, whom they don’t want to be their boyfriend, after ‘bhaiyya’, ‘NICE PERSON’ and a ‘MANAGEMENT GRAD’ (All of which I soon ended up becoming TOGETHER, by the way).
Here’s a fact: I was reading a magazine’s ‘Most Desirable Men’ list (I had bought the magazine because of the bikini girl on its cover and NOT because of this list, I swear)… and guess what I found on it? Names of allll 5-6 and above-pack guys. Guess who I DIDN’T find on it? Johnny Lever. Rajpal Yadav. Archana Puran Singh. ME.

Seriously, even if you take the most not good looking guys who have something else going for them (good body, good relatives, good profession) and compare them with the funniest guys with similar perks, the results are obvious:

Abhishek Bachchan – Not funny. Is married to AISHWARYA RAI.


Govinda – Very funny. Not married to Aishwarya Rai.

Harman Baweja – Not funny. Dated PRIYANKA CHOPRA.


Navjot Singh Siddhu – Very funny. Came close to dating Shekhar Suman.

Emraan Hashmi – Not funny. Kissed MANY HOT GIRLS.


Ritesh Deshmukh – Very funny. Was offered Dostana.

And that’s the truth of the matter, people. Let’s not lie to the world and admit it once and for all – Funny guys in males are the equivalent of BHARTIYA NARIS in females. Everyone wants to marry them, but no one wants to have sex with them.


No, We can’t be Friends. Please Die!

Break Ke Baad may not be the best film to have come out this year (that’s because HISSS came out this year), but Deepika Padukone elevates it to a must-watch for two reasons. One, she is a GODDESS and we love her and worship her dimples and wish our girlfriends looked just like her!!!!!!!!! And two, her character in the film is EXACTLY how girls, who all boys hate, are. Fondly known as, ‘b**ch’.

The story of Break Ke Baad, if you unfortunately suffer from the IQ of Rahul Mahajan and have still not figured out, is the story of a couple that breaks up and tries to deal with what happens after that. And what happens after that is the story of EVERY couple. The guy still stays in love, while the girl turns into a b**ch.

No, no. We are not being sexist here (we are only sexist in articles about Justin Bieber… mostly because we are confused about the sex). It’s a general rule – even when there is an equal girl to boy ratio, the likelihood of a girl getting a boyfriend is >>>>>>>>> that of a boy getting a girlfriend (unless that girl is Justin Bieber… see what we meant?). That gives girls an unfair higher power over boys (that they then wield during the time they are making the creatives for their Women’s Equality slogans). This power also comes into play once the break up happens.

Sleeping (or not) with the devil

And that’s pretty much what Break Ke Baad showcases – how girls turn from sweet, adorable, seemingly-naïve and cute Barbie dolls into heartless, b**chy, Dolly Bindra-versions of the devil that enjoy ripping your heart out and then play table tennis with it. The devil that “just wants to be friends” and who feels that “ANY GIRL would be lucky” to have us (which is a polite way of saying they want our souls).

We’d imagine the same has happened with EVERY one of us guys. Girls breaking up with us and then doing the puppy eyes-thing and begging us to “please be friends” because they cannot live without us. But of course, they can’t live WITH us, can they? And obviously, guys, the gullible creatures we are, can’t say no, and so, we agree, even though we’d rather get hit in the nuts.

And that’s where Break Ke Baad falters too. It’s like every other real life situation where the guy gives in to the all-powerful ex-girlfriend who wants to suck our blood… “but only in a friendly manner”. For once, we expected the guy (we are talking about Imran Khan… yes, underneath that face, there IS a guy… apparently) to give it back to the b**ch! “No, we can’t be friends, you evil, heart-ripping female re-incarnation of Hitler, you modern-day Bindu, you Kumolika! Please die.”

Reality bites

But of course, no guy’s been brave enough to say that and survive. No one’s usually even been brave enough to THINK that. While upar-upar se guys are saying, ‘Yes, of course we’ll be friends forever, of COURSE *puts cool shades on*’, in our heads we are thinking, “PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEE TAKE ME BACK!!!!!!!!! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!!!!!!! BAA-WAA-HAA *crying* BAA WAA HAA. WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS!! I’LL DO ANYTHING FOR YOU! WASH YOUR FEET, MANICURE YOUR NAILS AND EAT YOUR LEFTOVERS!! TAKE ME BAAAAAACK!”

But thankfully, we hold that back (well, at least, some of us do). And act all cool outside, while dying little by little inside. Until everything is dead (well, ALMOST everything – the cool shades live on, you know!). That’s pretty much what happens in Break Ke Baad too. And for that, we hope the movie works, so people get to know the face-2 of those two-faced girls. And the plight of those poor guys… of US poor guys.

[Originally posted in MTV blogs]

Advantages of Being Single-II (Top-10)

This note is basically for men, but I guess most of it can apply to all single persons out there.
No matter where you look, from movies to magazine ads, men are always being told that they need a woman to be happy. And while the company of a lady does have its boons, there are benefits to flying solo as well.
The single life is replete with liberties that you could not imagine. Here are the top 10 reasons you should consider taking a hiatus from the relationship arena and remain single.

10. You don’t have to tolerate moodiness & nagging

Fellas, how many times have you been in the doghouse because your woman was livid for reasons you still don’t understand? Relish not being the target of her inexplicable mood swings, and the calm that comes when there’s no nagging. When you wake up on the couch, you’ll know it’s because you chose to pass out there.

9. You can gain weight without worrying

Just as you can spend more time buffing up at the gym, you can also just chill and let yourself go for a little while. When you’re not on the market, you don’t have to worry about looking like an Adonis every day. Go ahead and wear that threadbare Metallica T-shirt and those holey boxers. Enjoy the pleasure of occasionally being a slob. Just don’t go so far that you can’t trim down in time for when you decide to start hunting.

8. You can appreciate your independence

You can use your newfound free time for solitary fun, as well as self-improvement. Being single forces you to do things for yourself, like cook, do laundry and tidy up your pad. Being skilled at many things makes you a more complete, well-rounded person — a great card to hold when you decide to reenter the dating market.
Furthermore, independence is a great trait, and women will likely notice that you’re not the needy, clingy type.

7. You can control your finances

If you’ve ever been in a serious relationship, you know that, sooner or later, a good chunk of your budget goes into steady lady-maintenance costs. Bachelorhood gives you full financial freedom, and you never have to worry about paying for dinner or buying presents.
However, understand that this does not mean that you will save money — on the contrary; you might be spending more on partying, buying drinks, dressing well, and so on. But at least you are the master of every single buck you spend.

6. You have more time for activities

When you’re single, you have no reason to sit around doing nothing. Want to harden your body at the gym? Play a new instrument? How about watch the Die Hard trilogy for the 11th time? Who’s stopping you?
You can even use the time that you’d spend pleasing a demanding girlfriend to hang with the boys. After all, isn’t neglecting your friends one of the biggest sacrifices of couplehood?
Look forward to being spontaneous, not having to answer to anyone and flirting like crazy…

5. You don’t have to deal with another’s personal habits

You used to cringe when she used your razor to shave her legs, and the scented candles she burned in every room made you sick. Now there’s no irritating habits to tolerate. You can sleep peacefully without her snoring and hog all the blankets without a care in the world. You have no one to pick up after but yourself. Give your patience a well-deserved break and live in unflustered.

4. You can be spontaneous

Being single lets your break out of the numbing cycle of routine. Be daring while you can. Go on a fishing trip with your crew at the drop of a hat. Push it further and head out on a wild Spring Break surrounded by gorgeous college women. Not only will you be doing something out of the ordinary, you can do it without double-checking with someone else first. This is the height of freedom.

3. You can focus on your career

Life is a juggling act in which you have to keep the many elements aloft, paying equal attention to each one. But if you let one drop, you can channel your forces to the remaining parts. In the absence of a relationship, you’ll have much more time to devote to your work. You can put in those extra hours on a project to impress your boss, and even take on something else. And you don’t have to worry about sacrificing your love life, as you’ll be single and vigorous.

2. You can be your own boss

Relationships are synonymous with compromise. You eventually have to sacrifice something you really like — a football game or extra cheese on your pizza — for the good of the pair. Use your single time to treat yourself a little more. In small doses, selfishness is good for the soul.
Being your own boss also means answering to no one. You went to a strip club? You got the scent of some woman’s perfume all over your clothes? Enjoy not having to explain your actions.

1. You can flirt as you please

Nothing is worse than that nagging voice in your head telling you that you shouldn’t be talking to this killer brunette in front of you. Being single gives you the complete freedom to flirt with whomever you want, whenever you want.
It also gives you the chance to sharpen your mojo so that, before you know it, you’ll be the master player on your block. Since you’re unattached, take this opportunity to master the art of seduction, and who knows what rewards you’ll reap.

The bright side of solitude
Everything has a good side; you just have to learn how to spot it. Society places too much importance on finding a mate, something your hormones are quick to enforce. The next time you get that pesky feeling that you have to be with someone, remember these 10 points, and you’ll savor the joys .

The Loner

When I’m alone, I’m alone with myself,
But alone may not be what it seems.
For myself can be trusted to always be there
And never makes fun of my dreams.

But myself knows myself and accepts what it finds,
And makes no demands on my soul.
So I cling to that heart where the best of me lives,
for that clinging makes sure that’s it’s whole.

I peel away slowly the armor I wear,
That armor protects all that’s me.
And the me that’s inside is fragile indeed,
It’s been hidden where no one can see.

When I hold onto me, it’s not that I’m cold,
It’s not that I don’t want to share.
It’s all that I’ve learned and the grip of my mind
That makes any sharing so rare.

My ego is tender, it’s what makes me, me.
I hide it behind a closed door.
I open that door just a crack at a time,
And only a crack, never more.