Tag Archives: fun

Mercy…….

Disclaimer #1: The following few lines are in no way sarcastic, insulting or funny….In Guzaarish Hrithik Roshan aks for mercy killing as he has been paralysed for quite a while. Kudos to Hrithik for accepting such a challenging role and huge respect to people who suffers from this condition but still has the courage to move on with life.

Disclaimer #2: The rest of the article is sarcastic, funny and insulting in every way possible….
Does Hrithik REALLY LOOK like somebody who wants to die? I mean, even as a paraplegic he looks better than 10 Zayed Khans……not a comparison…..Okay, 10 Emraan Hashmis put together. Even though he didn’t work out for 12 effing years, he still had muscles bigger then KRK’s head (KRK’s head is huge coz of all the gas in it). Plus, all throughout the the movie, he had Ash’s cleavage for company. Not a bad company to have during times of distress.

But lets get real guys. The man who needed to be cast in this role should be somebody who REALLY LOOK like, he wants to die. I’ll make it easy, for future references on movies on death(for any reason). Here are some ‘actors’ who would fit in for such roles.

1. Mimoh
Mimoh probably would have applied for mercy killing the day he realized that his parents were not making some sort of noise but ‘MIMOH’ was actually his name. His application gained more ground when he realized that the yellow thing on his head was not some electrical wiring but was ACTUALLY his HAIR. The final nail in the coffin (see…how I smartly inserted another death related joke? See? See?) was when he realized all through out his debut film, ‘Jimmy’, the audience was laughing not because of his comic timing but coz of his face? On screen, we mean……or do we?

2. Fardeen Khan
Fardeen Khan’s biggest reason for not wanting to live is the fact, that instead of his wife, its he who got accidentally pregnant. And in some way the pregnancy did something to his face. On top of that he couldn’t even act, before the weight of the world dropped on his….well face. It is quite obvious that he will be super happy to do the role but we won’t be able to see the satisfaction that he will get coz of the….you know…..face situation.

3. Tusshar Kapoor
Tusshar Kapoor holds the unique distinction of being the winner of Biggest Loser Jeetega, even though he didn’t participate in it. His claim-to-fame is acting in roles where he was invisible (Tusshar Kapoor in and as GAYAB! Hahhaha!), was required to keep his mouth shut (He was such a big hit with his mouth shut in Golmaal that they made sure he didn’t speak in two more movies), or was required to complete the background furniture (in all other movies). The audience would love to see him in a role where apart from his mouth, even the rest of him can’t move about to cause further embarrassment to human civilization.

4. Ashmit Patel
Ever since everyone saw (we know what you did that summer!), in the iconic words of Dolly Bindra, Ashmit Patel’s ‘performance’ in his XXX-MMS, Ashmit Patel’s life “went for a toss”. “One after the other, life shot him with a dart, and like a broken arrow, he fell apart.”

No, that’s not OUR lame joke on you. That’s Patel’s lame joke on the world. If you STILL don’t know what we are talking about, search for Patel’s musical rap(e) attempt, ‘Apni kahani apni zubaani’ on the internet. After seeing the video, you’ll understand why Patel would want to kill himself, and honestly, we’d not hold it against you, if you’d want to kill yourself too.

5. Archana Puran Singh
Oh wait… we totally forgot that the paralysis ends at the neck… you can’t paralyse that laughter. And oh wait… We were supposed to be talking about men here. (Deliberate pause to imply what needs to be implied) …Oh wait.

Advertisements

Why Only Sheila’s Jawani??

EVERYONE and their grandmothers have heard ‘Sheila Ki Jawani’ by now. In my opinion the grandmothers might have heard it more carefully coz they are the only ones who have that name these days (Sheila Dixit…hmmm….hmmm…..). Which poses a question, why is ‘Sheila Ki Jawani’ shot on Katrina Kaif? What kind of name is ‘Sheila’, ‘Sheila Ki Jawani’ or what kind of surname is ‘Ki Jawani’? (Sindhi friends……….don’t mind) How could anyone have a surname like that.

Interval in the post for joke on Katrina Kaif: Katrina Kaif in Sheila Ki Jawani is like a mannequin dancing. She has the perfect mannequin body…….but she has also has the perfect mannequin face!! When you hear the song and see Katrina’s bod, you go, ‘WOAH Jawani (Yes, YOU go………..I’ve heard you). But then you see Katrina’s face and say, ‘THIS is SHEILA’. I think Katrina is too pretty to carry her own body. Yes, I say intelligent things like that sometimes.

Interval over, back to article: So keeping all the limitations in mind here are the grandmothers whose Jawanis need to be personified…….

1. Baa ki jawani: Remember Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Baa-hua karti thi? Remember Baa? The superwoman, whose age at the end of 10 generation leaps, would have been some 250 years, but who STILL didn’t have grey hair? That’s the kind of jawani we’re talking about! And can’t you totally imagine Baa shaking it at one of the various family functions/Diwali special/New Year special/extra marital affair special/funeral special/generation leap special?

2. Shobhaa ki jawani: She may be as old as independent India, but Shobhaa De keeps her spirit (and mind) totally young. That’s a cryptic sentence to say that she has written about many dirty things (that make aunties her age go ‘hawww’). Three cheers (and three x’s) for Shobhaa ki jawani of mind!

3. Pratibha ki jawani: Pratibha Patil may look 200 years old, yes, but that doesn’t mean she can’t be a badass! Apart from being the first woman President of India, she also holds the record for being the oldest woman. No wait, that doesn’t sound right. … Oh yeah, she holds the record for being the oldest woman… TO fly in a combat jet at a speed close to supersonic speed. Can YOUR grandma do that? CAN SHE?

4. Rekha ki jawani: Call it botox, or call it yoga. Okay let’s call it yoga… to avoid lawsuits. No one may know the REAL secret of Rekha ki jawani (it’s yoga), but whatever it is (it’s yoga), it sure has helped Rekha maintain her skin, face, skin, body, skin, and everything else on her face, body and skin (it’s yoga). It’s got to be yoga, right? (It’s yoga)

What do you guys think? Katrina’s jawani? Or Baa’s? Or are there any other grandmas that you dream of that we’ve forgotten? (That’s very disturbing on your part, by the way)


No, We can’t be Friends. Please Die!

Break Ke Baad may not be the best film to have come out this year (that’s because HISSS came out this year), but Deepika Padukone elevates it to a must-watch for two reasons. One, she is a GODDESS and we love her and worship her dimples and wish our girlfriends looked just like her!!!!!!!!! And two, her character in the film is EXACTLY how girls, who all boys hate, are. Fondly known as, ‘b**ch’.

The story of Break Ke Baad, if you unfortunately suffer from the IQ of Rahul Mahajan and have still not figured out, is the story of a couple that breaks up and tries to deal with what happens after that. And what happens after that is the story of EVERY couple. The guy still stays in love, while the girl turns into a b**ch.

No, no. We are not being sexist here (we are only sexist in articles about Justin Bieber… mostly because we are confused about the sex). It’s a general rule – even when there is an equal girl to boy ratio, the likelihood of a girl getting a boyfriend is >>>>>>>>> that of a boy getting a girlfriend (unless that girl is Justin Bieber… see what we meant?). That gives girls an unfair higher power over boys (that they then wield during the time they are making the creatives for their Women’s Equality slogans). This power also comes into play once the break up happens.

Sleeping (or not) with the devil

And that’s pretty much what Break Ke Baad showcases – how girls turn from sweet, adorable, seemingly-naïve and cute Barbie dolls into heartless, b**chy, Dolly Bindra-versions of the devil that enjoy ripping your heart out and then play table tennis with it. The devil that “just wants to be friends” and who feels that “ANY GIRL would be lucky” to have us (which is a polite way of saying they want our souls).

We’d imagine the same has happened with EVERY one of us guys. Girls breaking up with us and then doing the puppy eyes-thing and begging us to “please be friends” because they cannot live without us. But of course, they can’t live WITH us, can they? And obviously, guys, the gullible creatures we are, can’t say no, and so, we agree, even though we’d rather get hit in the nuts.

And that’s where Break Ke Baad falters too. It’s like every other real life situation where the guy gives in to the all-powerful ex-girlfriend who wants to suck our blood… “but only in a friendly manner”. For once, we expected the guy (we are talking about Imran Khan… yes, underneath that face, there IS a guy… apparently) to give it back to the b**ch! “No, we can’t be friends, you evil, heart-ripping female re-incarnation of Hitler, you modern-day Bindu, you Kumolika! Please die.”

Reality bites

But of course, no guy’s been brave enough to say that and survive. No one’s usually even been brave enough to THINK that. While upar-upar se guys are saying, ‘Yes, of course we’ll be friends forever, of COURSE *puts cool shades on*’, in our heads we are thinking, “PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEE TAKE ME BACK!!!!!!!!! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!!!!!!! BAA-WAA-HAA *crying* BAA WAA HAA. WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS!! I’LL DO ANYTHING FOR YOU! WASH YOUR FEET, MANICURE YOUR NAILS AND EAT YOUR LEFTOVERS!! TAKE ME BAAAAAACK!”

But thankfully, we hold that back (well, at least, some of us do). And act all cool outside, while dying little by little inside. Until everything is dead (well, ALMOST everything – the cool shades live on, you know!). That’s pretty much what happens in Break Ke Baad too. And for that, we hope the movie works, so people get to know the face-2 of those two-faced girls. And the plight of those poor guys… of US poor guys.

[Originally posted in MTV blogs]


How to impress a girl?

Now this one is tricky! The tips might work and might not but they are more or less safe. My Experience tells me they will(hopefully).

Well, after seeing a beautiful girl, every guy is haunted by the same question-How to impress this girl? Till the time he doesn’t know the way out, the task appears really demanding. To reveal the truth, the art of impressing girls has the simple fact, that girls are not impressed by fake things. Most guys are likely to act smart or be like someone else just to impress girls, yet they never succeed with this policy. The solution to this question is to be original so as to impress your girl. Read further to get acquainted with some tips for impressing girls.

* Good work starts with good hygiene. Usually guys are careless about personal hygiene but girls are really watchful about this. So, be well-groomed and wear clean clothes to attract your girl.
* Have a good attitude because girls don’t like guys who flaunt. Be modest and don’t attempt to impress everyone. Guys, slightly inclined towards good humor, are liked by girls.
* Show respect towards everyone and give them their space; this will fetch your respect from them too. Especially with girls, showing respect works even better.
* Have healthy conversations and don’t speak too much before girls. Speak in moderation; the other person should not feel that you’re not interested and also don’t speak in excess so that he/she doesn’t get time to speak.
* Prefer talking on topics of common interest. Girls don’t like guys who talk about themselves only. Show interest in her speech. Ask her about her interests like hobbies, favorite books, music, etc. If she starts asking you about yours, speak briefly and again focus on her interests.
* Try to flirt. If you both make an eye contact, just pass a smile. Perhaps she will get blushed or start looking away, but don’t react. Remember you don’t have to stare her down. If she likes you, she will definitely give glances.
* Always respect her opinion and ideas, and don’t criticize her. Give her compliments and never talk anything disgraceful to her friends.
* Be romantic, but not in excess. If you’ve been dating for a month, you can attempt a romantic gesture. For example, hold her hand while looking in her eyes or get down on your knees to bow her.
* Start speaking with her casually. If you don’t know the girl, start friendly conversation. Ask for the time, and praise her watch.
* Make an effort to get her attention to your plus points and away from negative points, remember to be original.
* Don’t tell her straightaway that you like her. Ask her out. If she refuses, don’t take any tensions. You can change the style and say ‘Oh! Actually we friends are planning to go on a dinner; I thought that you might like to join us”.
* Don’t get stick to her. Give her some time and like this, you’ll definitely get her attention.